Sure, go see G.I. Joe, but it will suck.

in Movies by negrostotle — August 7, 2009 at 11:31 am | 5 comments

G.I. Joe, The Rise of Cobra, is out now!  It will suck, even if its just a good run of the mill action movie.  Here’s why.

1. The Cast.

If I’m making a movie about some top secret agency full of heroes that saves the world do I really get the guy from the dance movie Step Up as the lead character?  And do I follow that up with a comedian, and then the guy from 3rd rock from the sun as the baddest guy on the planet? No sir, I do not.  There’s a reason we don’t see Jessica Alba playing a nuclear physicist; its called limitations and believability. G.I. Joe is skipping right over that.

2. The Characters included

Obviously, movies can’t always include every character, and as we already know G.I. Joe has a pretty extensive list of good guys.  But why did you skip some of the more popular ones (Shipwreck? Roadblock? Gung-ho?) Only to put in some people no one gives a shit about? Cover Girl? really?

3. CGI’d to hell

I’m beginning to come of the opinion that whenever a movie sucks, or is going to suck, they just put millions of dollars of special effects in the movie to cover up glaring plot holes, or the lack of a plot altogether, or just really poor writing (Transformers 2, I’m looking at you).  That way the drones that go see movies don’t recognize the stupid stereotypes or any of the other non-sense because, “Hey! did you see that fight scene? Those guys in those prototype suits did a whole bunch of flips over those rockets! AWESOME!)  Heaven forbid someone go the way of the ‘Bourne’ series and actually write a movie with a plot and no CGI. Heaven Forbid.

4. No screening for critics.

I’ll just quote, then laugh, then discuss.  From Yahoo,

“G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” opens Friday, but Paramount Pictures isn’t screening the blockbuster for critics beforehand. Only a select few writers from blogs and movie Web sites have seen it for review — such as Harry Knowles, the self-professed “Head Geek” from Ain’t It Cool News — and their opinions have been mostly positive.

Instead, the studio says it’s intentionally aiming the movie at the heartland, at cities and audiences outside the entertainment vortexes of New York and Los Angeles.

While appealing to a sense of patriotism nationwide, the plan also is inspired by the disparity that existed between the critical trashing “Transformers: Rise of the Fallen” received and the massive crowds it drew at the box office.

The withholding of “G.I. Joe” from mainstream critics suggests that the studios believe they can succeed at the box office without them.

It’s a tactic normally reserved for horror movies or other genre pictures with built-in fans who don’t necessarily care about reviews — ones based on video games, for example — not summer blockbusters. Still, “G.I. Joe” has been tracking well because it represents the last big bang of the season, said Paul Dergarabedian, box-office analyst for Hollywood.com.

“They don’t need (to screen) it and there’s no upside to negative reviews. The film is going to open well no matter what,” Dergarabedian said. “They’re being very strategic in who they show the movie to. If they can win over their core audience from these reviews, that’s good for the movie.”

If there has ever been a universal sign for, “my movie is a piece of shit” its this move.  Don’t show it to critics because they’re stuck up, let the fans and their sense of patrotism take over and will this movie to victory.  Look, even though this movie will suck, it is going to make a lot of money.  The makers know this, but they also know its bad, so they don’t want anyone deterring them from their money making, so critics see it late and write their reviews late enough that it doesn’t matter.  Its not a new trick, so I don’t know why G.I. Joe is playing on America’s sense of patriotism.

5. The Costumes/Nostalgia

Would it have been too much trouble to put the G.I. Joes in something similar to what they wore on the show?  Instead of going X-Men and giving them the all black suits which makes them not stand out?  If you’re truly trying to connect with the tv-show fans from yester-year, it would help if they had something to fall back on; other than names being the same.

6. Van Helsing & The Mummy

Steven Sommers made those two movies…and G.I. Joe.  Those two movies were short on plot, heavy on effects…We may be seeing a pattern.

7. No Megan Fox running in slow motion

The best part of Transformers 2 was Megan Fox running in slow motion for about the last 45 minutes of the movie. It was Michael Bay’s attempt to redeem himself.  It didn’t work.  Megan Fox isn’t even in this movie though, so they’re pretty much screwed.

Conclusion?

That’s it. G.I. Joe will suck. Not necessarily because the movie standing alone is bad (although I think it may be) its because its going to effectively kill the G.I. Joe mystique.  I don’t really believe the movie makers care though, because they’re getting the younger fans (cool action movie!) and the nostaligic fans (snake-eyes, yes!).  Once they have your money, they’ve already won.

I’ll see you at the theater.

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4. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Update
5. Southland lands on TNT while NBC continues to suck

Tags: Bourne Trilogy CGI Channing Tatum G.I. Joe G.I. Joe Rise of Cobra Gordon Joseph Hewitt Marlon Wayans Megan Fox Shipwreck suck fest