The Biggest player in movie history.

in Movies by negrostotle — September 8, 2009 at 1:40 pm | 1 comment

Okay…so this is one of those posts where, you aren’t really sure how the whole idea came about, but once you’ve said it out loud to yourself a few times, you know that you’re on the right track.  And the question to be answered here?

The biggest player in movie history.

Throughout the years, cinema has seen its share of players.  All shapes, sizes, colors, and genders.  They all have one mission: to hook up with as many people of the opposite sex as possible.  Bill Bellamy took up the mantle in Def Jam’s How to Be a Player.  He was pulling different women from all over the city; all while giving the viewer tips about the life of a player.  Then you had other people like Deuce Bigalow; they hooked up with many women…but was getting paid for doing it.  Brad Pitt has had every lady love him in every movie he’s ever done, except for like two (7 years in Tibet…and see! I can’t even think of another one.). Dolemite pulled girls (shout out to Rudy Ray Moore!), Ferris Bueller made you believe he could get anyone…none of those characters even come close.  As a matter of fact, to save time, we’re going to do this.  Take a minute…come up with the biggest player you can think of and then I’m going to top it.

Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Done? The biggest player in movie history is none other than Philly Fillmore.  Who’s that you ask?  Philly Fillmore was played by Eric Brown in the most player movie of all time, Private Lessons.  The plot?

Phillip Filmore is a naive, 15-year-old, preoccupied with sex, who develops a crush on Nicole Mallow, the new 30-something, French housekeeper and sitter to look after him when Phillip’s father is out of town for the summer on a “business” trip. But Mr. Filmore’s unscrupulous chauffeur, Lester Lewis, takes advantage of Phillip’s crush on Nicole to hire her to seduce the youth, then draws her into a plot to fake her own death in a blackmail scheme aimed to drain Phillip’s trust fund.

I COULD NOT MAKE THAT SHIT UP IF I WANTED TO.

What’s even crazier? The plot to fake Nicole Mallow’s death works…for a little while.  Until Nicole Mallow realizes that she loves Philly Fill, and comes back and warns him.  They then spend the rest of the movie plotting revenge against the chauffeur.  Not before they have sex though.  Yes, some 15 year old ran game on some 30 year old au pair and not only gets her interested, not only gets her to have sex with him…but she loves him by the time the movie is over.  So much love in fact, that she basically turns down millions of dollars in 1980’s money to be with him until the summer is over and she stops working at the house.

Wow.

Okay, so I know whoever you thought of is a huge player, blah, blah, blah.  And I know whoever you thought of probably got with a bunch of girls, etc. etc.  But you can’t compete with the 15 year old kid who seduces a 30 year old, sleeps with her all summer long, gets her to turn down millions of dollars, and basically hits it and quits it once school starts back up. No one has a pick up line that is that good. That’s the kind of stuff that only happens in…well, real life. But only with teachers, right? ….right?

Now I’m going to make things crazier…dude who played Philly Fill? He was 16 when the movie was filmed. SIXTEEN.  Alan Myerson, the director, basically filmed simulated statutory rape and put it on film for the world to see.  And there were reputable actors in this movie…Ed Begley Jr. and Howard Hesseman rounded out the cast.

In closing…the next time you are looking for tips on how to get girls from movies, which is probably soon for some of you, watch Private Lessons. The acting is atrocious, the plot is inexplicably even worse than the acting, and the number of times you see a member of the crew in one of the shots is ridiculous.  That all being said though, the biggest player of all time is in that movie. And he’s 15. (16, in real life). I’d like to say that crazier things have happened in the movies…but really, they haven’t.

P.S. This movie also has the greatest 80’s soundtrack ever. Dead Serious. I really went looking for it on Amazon the first time i saw it.

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Tags: biggest player ever Eric Brown Philly Fillmore Private Lessons Sylvia Kristel