Your favorite rapper as a basketball player

negrostotle — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 15:42:51 +0000

I had been toying with this post idea for the last couple days, and then once I saw that Drizzy Drake’s knee had its own Twitter page, I knew it had to be done…

The connection between rappers and basketball is almost intrinsic in nature. A lot of basketball players love to rap, and love the connection with rap. Some of them even put out really subpar albums which do nothing more than make you love and appreciate their basketball abilities even more. Example?

The beats, my mash, jam you for the platinum you have
Run it, the illest, watch me become it
I’m here, and took it bowling, like straight to the wig
Speak truth like kids, tell you what you don’t know
Kobe? Yeah, he’s real with the flow
Kick in the do’ wavin’ the flow-flow
All you heard was stop, can’t take the hits no more

…yes, that was Kobe Bryant. And yes, that was probably even partially ghost-written…and that’s still what they decided to record. Not to think its one-sided, rappers also think they can play basketball…well. They are mistaken. Whenever there’s doubt as to whether or not Jennifer Love Hewitt has a better jumper than Jay-Z? yeah.

You can’t deny the connection, so lets take it one step further. What if your favorite rapper actually became a basketball player? Who would they be? I’m glad you asked…

1. Drake is Greg Oden

Why are they alike?

Come on man…this one is too easy! Both have/had a lot of buzz built up before they ever did anything significant. Drake’s So Far Gone mixtape got him signed by Lil Wayne and has him working with the likes of Jay-Z and Mary J. Blige. Greg Oden, who had already been a McDonalds All-American and Gatorade National Player of the Year, made the most of his one year of college at The Ohio State University. During his tenure, Oden led his team to the NCAA championship, while also receiving the individual honor of being named a 2nd team All-American. His buzz landed him at the top of many NBA draft boards and he was taken as the #1 pick in the 2007 NBA draft.

Then, before either person could really begin to make their impact, injuries set in. Drake tore his ACL, MCL, and LCL, (because who wants to half-ass an injury?) which had been keeping the rapper from doing proper press for his album, even though he had still been performing (via a stool). To make matters worse, he re-injured the knee just a few days ago. Greg Oden, on the other hand, needed microfracture surgery on his knee before he was even able to begin his 2007 rookie campaign, having injured the knee in summer league competition.

Summation?

Both of those dudes are as frail as Sam Jackson in Unbreakable. Every body, right or wrong, thinks they’re going to be great, but they can’t stay healthy long enough to prove anybody right. They’re like brothers! Or maybe father and son…cause Greg Oden is still at least 48 years old.

2. Jay-Z is Michael Jordan

Why are they alike?

Both of these guys are arguably the greatest at their respective jobs. Hov owned summer for 8 or 9 years straight, pretty much crushing any competition in the rap game in terms of sales. Jordan on the other hand was equally great, and made great NBA players like Ewing, Barkley, and Malone wish that they were playing football as opposed to basketball, because MJ would never let them win any championships.

Then? they retired.

Then? they came back and everybody was like…Meh. Jordan came back with the Washington Wizards (Skip over the baseball comeback), and we quickly realized that MJ wasn’t quite the same. Those gliding dunks that gave him the name “Air Jordan” had been replaced by fade away jump shots. That outstanding 1-on-1 defense? Yeah, that turned into a lot of “I’ll force him one way, interior help defense”. Hov came back with his own version of the fade away jump shot, the album Kingdom Come. Suddenly everybody remembered that dude was like 40 years old, a multi-millionaire and wasn’t really rapping about anything that anyone under 30 could relate to (going somewhere with no mosquitoes? really Hov? Who else listening to the album can do that?)

Summation?

Jay-Z and Michael Jordan are arguably the greatest at what they did/used to do. Furthermore, they both decided to come back maybe a little too far past their prime, possibly “Favre-ing” their legacies for future generations.

3. Kanye West is Lebron James

Why are they alike?

One word…”ego”. Both men have enough ego to fuel a small country. Sure, it turned out to be a hoax, but last week when the rumor went around that Kanye West was calling himself the king of pop? Everyone’s first thought isn’t whether or not he said it, but how harshly he should be judged for saying it. And what about King James? Well, the fact that he walked around wearing this shirt, after the basketball season was over may be a small indication.

I got a big ego…such a big ego…

Don’t forget to add to the fact that both guys are arguably considered the first or second best in the respective professions. Also remember that they’re doing things that no one else has ever seen (has anyone ever seen a guard/forward combo like LeBron? has any rapper ever made, for better or worse, an album like Love Lockdown?).

Summation?

Egomaniacs who are hell bent on being the best. That sounds like an old James Bond villain, but in reality it describes Mr. West and King James.

4. ODB used to be Ron Artest

Why are they alike?

Pure insanity. At least, that’s the perception. Ron Artest is the short fused, in-stands fighting, mohawk wearing, Tru Warrior rapping, friends staked like Dracula, poster boy for everything David Stern probably hates about the NBA. Ever since the incident with the Pacers, Artest has always seemed volatile; like any wrong move could set him off and lead him into doing something crazy. And Old Dirty Bastard? he quite possibly might be crazier than Artest. Any time you’re willing to take your kids with you to pick up your welfare check with MTV filming? and while you have an album is still in the top 10? You might be a little off. To 1-up that move, lets not forget what he said after he lost to Diddy at the 1998 Grammy awards,

“Please calm down, the music and everything. It’s nice that I went and bought me an outfit today that costed a lot of money today, you know what I mean? ‘Cause I figured that Wu-Tang was gonna win. I don’t know how you all see it, but when it comes to the children, Wu-Tang is for the children. We teach the children. You know what I mean? Puffy is good, but Wu-Tang is the best, Okay? I want you all to know that this is ODB, and

I love you all. Peace!”

Yeah, Wu-Tang is for the kids. That’s definitely true. Did I mention that ODB changed his name to Big Baby Jesus? yeah.

Summation?

These guys are alike because you never know what you’ll get from them. They might run in the stands and start a fight or try to defraud the government out of money. They might recount the night their best friend, who is a vampire, was killed, or change their name in order to channel the Messiah. You just never know what you’ll get.

5. Eminem is Larry Bird

Why are they alike?

Its the “great white hope” argument. In a world dominated by non-white people (rap and basketball) one great white superstar comes along and becomes the beacon upon which white people pin their hope, and to whom all future white stars are compared (ask this guy what I’m talking about). Any white kid that has any semblance of a jump shot will immediately draw comparisons to Larry Legend, in part because he was the last really good white guy to which comparisons can be made. Sure, you may get the occasional Pistol Pete comparison…but that was 40 years ago now. If you’re keeping it recent, you’re going to Bird. Its the same deal with Eminem. A white rapper could do all of his rhymes backwards, or purposely try to sound like another rapper and they’d still draw comparison to Eminem; that’s just how the game goes.

To keep the analogy going, lets look at later in their careers. They both have made and continue to make moves which baffle their fans, and anyone that possesses the slightest bit of common sense. Eminem is wasting his talent by battling female R&B singers, while Bird has spent the last few years stockpiling mediocre players who he hopes might be the next Larry Bird. Mike Dunleavy, Jeff Foster, Josh McRoberts, Troy Murphy, Tyler Hansborough…its like there’s some reverse affirmative action thing going on and Bird wants to really err on the side of caution.

Summation?

Definitely the best white rapper ever, and arguably one of the best white basketball players ever. Great. White. Hope. ’nuff said.

6. LL Cool J and anyone who played basketball for too long

Nothing to say here. Maybe its Mutumbo, maybe its Kevin Willis, or Karl Malone…whoever. I think the point I’m trying to make here is that LL Cool J needs to retire. Moving on…

7. Memphis Bleek is Harold Miner

Why are they alike?

If the first thing you thought when you read this is, “who”? Then you actually get my point. Both of these guys were anointed the next messiah when they stepped on the scene and both miserably failed to live up to expectations. You may remember Memphis Bleek as Jay-Z’s protege and from such hits as “those Jay-Z songs where he did a guest verse”. It’s pretty apparent to everyone that you aren’t the second coming when your mentor says,

“Bleek can be one hit away his whole career, as long as I’m alive he’s a millionaire” — Jay-Z

How bad did it get? Well…there was the whole Garnier Fructis Shampoo commercial…

Which brings us to Harold Miner. As if being able to dominate in the NBA wasn’t hard enough, people apparently decided to take it a step further and give Miner a nickname which included the greatest basketball player of all time (”Baby Jordan”). That in and of itself is bad, but its so much worse when you consider the only reason he got that name was because of his dunking ability. Things didn’t quite go as planned for baby jordan, as he only averaged 9.0pts a game over a 4 year NBA career. But he did win 2 slam dunk contests…so, uh, hang your hat on that.

Have some others? disagree? leave it in the comments…or wait for part 2.

Forbes Avenue » harold miner

Your favorite rapper as a basketball player